Non-Fictions

The Non-Fictions

In contrast to the Fictions, these stories are almost purely and wholly humorous (and depraved) in nature. They contain no anecdotes, lessons, morals, or themes. They are simply true stories of what happens to me when I least expect it. Any deeper meaning you may encounter in these stories exists entirely within the realm of your own head.

Rejected

Back in Florida, I have this old friend who's the editor of a monthly bar/nightlife magazine. She knew I was just getting my feet wet as a writer and so, sometime around September of 2009, she asked me to make a contribution to her magazine. All she gave me were three guidelines: 1) Make it around 750 words, 2) Make it revolving around Christmas/Holiday Season, 3) Make it about sex.

I wrote a short article, sent it to her, and was promptly rejected. Her bosses said it was way too over the top. I asked if I could try to par it down and make it less intense. She said she already tried and that was it. She never asked for me to write anything for her ever again.

Here is that article in all it's horrid glory. A few of the locations will obviously be foreign to anyone who's never lived in Orlando. They don't really take away from the article that much though. But you should know that most of what I write in there is a lie. Even the stuff I swear is true? Lies.

I'm a jerk.

Rejected HTML / PDF

One Night in Buenos Aires

My father originally hails from Buenos Aires, Argentina. Naturally, I still have family there. Along with my brother and sister, I go back down to visit once every year or two. This is the bizarre story of meeting high school girls in bars at 2am, avoiding underage prostitutes, learning how Lindsay Lohan is hated around the globe, and getting my phone stolen by a hooker. And - disturbingly - much, much more.

One Night in Buenos Aires HTML / PDF

A European Odyssey

A couple years back, I went on a three week trip to Europe with stops in 11 different cities such as Amsterdam, Paris, Nice, Florence, and Rome. It was not what I expected. This is a collection of some of the stranger things that happened to me while I was across the pond.

Samantha: A Tragedy HTML / PDF
My Birthday: An Adventure HTML / PDF
Nick: A Horror HTML / PDF
The Red Light District: A Suspense HTML / PDF
The Serbians: A Grotesque Comedy HTML / PDF

Just Another Friday Night

This, for me, is a tale of nostalgia. I wish I had written more of these nights down because, for a good stretch of time, this really was just another Friday night for me and my friends.

There's always a chance I'll go back in my mind and write more stories of this nature down one day. Lord knows I have a treasure chest full of them. But, for the time being, it's..

Just Another Friday Night HTML / PDF